The case against admitting Canada to the US

Fans of South Park are familiar with the long-running gag involving the show’s portrayal of Canadians as crudely animated, detail-less animated cutouts, perpetually outraged — almost always an overreaction to something America has done. In a rather hilarious instance of life imitating art, President Donald Trump’s assertion that Canada become the 51st state has enraged the notoriously polite society, and age-old suspicions that America has always been poised to overtake their northern neighbors have resurfaced.

I get it. When you have an inferiority complex, you can lose your sense of humor. This happens a lot in America’s northern plain states, which are often perceived as vast expanses of wind-whipped prairies, open farmland or frozen tundra — if we’re thought of at all. In my home state of Minnesota, it has led to an oversized eagerness to get attention and grasp at anything remotely associated with fame. 

And we do have our fair share of celebrity connections. Everyone knows about Prince and Bob Dylan, but how about Winona Ryder (named after her birthplace of Winona, Minnesota), “Miracle on Ice” Olympic hockey coach Herb Brooks or Olympic gold medalist Alpine skier Lindsey Vonn? Sure, Vonn moved to a state with actual mountains when she was still a tot, but we proudly proclaim her as “one of us.” Then there’s the Coen Brothers with their 1996 film Fargo and The Great Gatsby author F. Scott Fitzgerald, all born in the state. 

Canada becoming the 51st would have its perks. It would be nice to have some other northernmost city in Saskatchewan make the news for the coldest temperature each winter, rather than Minot or International Falls. And despite the city-folk cosplaying Paul Bunyan, most of us northerners have simple, practical fashion sense. There would be a seamless transition for Fleet Farm shoppers who are in search of a bargain shopping trip for dungarees, a five-pound bag of black licorice and an ice-fishing auger.

Outdoorsmen in the States would love to finally be rid of the cumbersome border-crossing process, need for a passport and hunting dog papers that have plagued their dream hunting trips — and the menacing glare of Canadian border inspectors who never take your word that all you have in your cooler is bait and beer.

The Athabasca oil sands, one of the largest oil deposits in the world located in northwest Alberta, would open up more job opportunities for young men looking for hard work and well-paying jobs — a path to prosperity for those living in depressed, northern communities with few diverse career paths.

But for the benefits, there is a darker side of embracing Canadian statehood, akin to that high school crush that gets too obsessive. You could think of the US-Canadian border as “the longest one-way mirror in the world.” Canadians scrutinizing and watching Americans’ every move, while we just assume our own reflection, not paying it much mind. But the more Canada projects its insecurity and passive-aggressive nature, the more apparent is its nationwide, unhealthy preoccupation with us. Not everything is about you, Canada! To paraphrase Mad Men’s Don Draper, we don’t think about you at all. The more we ignore their increasingly aggressive advances, the more resentful and angry their tone. In a 2016 poll from the Angus Reid Institute found that a large majority of Americans think of Canada as a “valuable friend and ally to the US” (64 percent), a measly 15 percent of Canadians said they believed the US was a “caring society” while only 17 percent said America was “a country I’d be proud to live in.”

Which is all you need to know about how Canadians are setting the tone in this war-of-words: not as celebrating all things denim, ice hockey and maple syrup, but in terms of not being America. That’s a heckuva thing to form your national identity around. No wonder they’re so sensitive! I thought it was some ancient Great White North code of honor, but it turns out they wield their pearl-clutching to justify their second national pastime: unending pretentious smugness over the “uncouth” Americans. Former prime minister Justin Trudeau said exactly that in an interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper on January 9. When asked how Canada defines itself, Trudeau responds, “One of the ways we define ourselves most easily is, well, we’re not American.”

Besides, for all the little perks a Canadian 51st would bring, we basically get the best of Canada for free because even Canadians prefer America. From television and movie stars such as Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers and John Candy, and the whole Second City Television troupe including Martin Short, Eugene Levy, Rick Moranis, Harold Ramis and Catherine O’Hara, to Canada’s unofficial king and hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, they all call America their adopted (chosen) home. Heck, we’ll even acknowledge Justin Bieber as one of us if the right mood strikes us. Even the new Prime Minister, Mark Carney, holds three passports, received his secondary education outside of Canada and made much of his recent fame and fortune living in… London. This isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement of Canadian life.

This contrasts with the American border state population, who are happy warriors, secure in our Americanness — if not feeling a little underappreciated from time to time. Who wants to share a fence line with a neighbor who is always suspicious of you, whose terminal inferiority complex and self-hatred renders them humorless, scolding and smug, and would rather stew in their dependency on your neighborliness and relative wealth than work together? We already have Wisconsin for all that.

So, thanks but no thanks. National borders, like fences, make the best neighbors. Let’s keep it that way.