Commander’s canine reign of terror comes to a close

As war rages in Gaza and Ukraine, Joe Biden is preoccupied with another bloody battle, in the White House — between his new German Shepherd, Commander, and Secret Service personnel. 

Cockburn first reported Commander was roaming the West Wing looking for flesh in July. Since then, under the loving care of Joe and Jill, the canine’s bloodlust has intensified. He has bitten Secret Service agents in at least twenty-four incidents, according to recent documents obtained by a Freedom of Information request. 

“They’ve been heartbroken over this,” a White House official said. “They’ve apologized to those who have been bitten, and taken flowers to some. They feel awful. Commander was over-protective, and even though they tried and tried to work on it, they had to let him go live with other members of their family.” The family made a similar decision when their old dog, Major, went on a biting spree in 2021.

Cockburn is mystified why Biden would send such a good guard dog away. Commander appears to much better at protecting the president than his security detail, who struggle to neutralize a ninety-pound dog. Documents show that Commander has completely upended the Secret Service’s day-to-day operations. 

“The recent dog bites have challenged us to adjust our operational tactics when Commander is present — please give lots of room (staying a terrain feature away if possible),” an assistant special agent in charge of the Presidential Protection Division wrote to their team. “We will continue to keep [Mr. Biden] in our sight but must be creative to ensure our own personal safety.” 

Commander doesn’t discriminate and is an equal-opportunist biter. His victims have included the Secret Service’s uniformed division, members of the president’s protective detail and other USSS officials, as well as staffers and military personnel. Commander also bites wherever, with incidents taking place at the White House, Camp David, Wilmington and Rehoboth Beach, Delaware and Nantucket, Massachusetts. 

One passage from the report, which reads like a scene from Cujo, illustrates Commander’s reign of terror particularly well: “[The agent] heard the voice of what [he/she] believes to be FLOTUS Dr. Jill Biden yelling ‘[redacted quote].’ Commander ran towards the direction of post [redacted] booth and bit [the agent] in the left forearm, [c]ausing a severe deep open wound. As [a] result of the attack [the agent] started to loose [sic] a significant amount of blood from [his/her] arm.” The agent received six stitches in the left forearm and antibiotics for the wound. 

Biden has been present for at least one incident when an agent was bitten on the forearm while holding the door to the Palm room open for the president and Commander. The bites left no punctures but the agent “was in shock that the incident occurred.”

Several attacks have required the attention of the White House Medical Unit and, in the most severe incident, an officer was sent to a DC-area hospital for treatment after Commander clamped down on their arm and thigh.

In perhaps the most dramatic incident, Commander left a puddle of blood in the East Wing after lunging at an agent causing a “deep bite” on the left arm that was reported to have needed stitches. “East Wing Tours were stopped for approximately twenty minutes due to blood from the incident being on the floors in the area of the Booksellers,” the document said. 

With Commander gone from the White House, Cockburn hopes peace will be restored. Is it only with Democratic presidents in office that bodily fluids are sailing through the air in the West Wing?