Victoria’s Secret clips its angels’ wings

Millions of unshaved lesbians are celebrating this week after Victoria’s Secret decided to go all-in on marketing with a butch over-opinionated soccer star instead of naughty, scantily-clad models.

The lingerie giant announced Wednesday they were cutting ties with their iconic Victoria’s Secret Angels, the tall Barbie doll-esque models sporting fluffy wings. In their place are Megan Rapinoe, 35, along with six other female athletes, as well as transgender and plus-size women for the ‘VS Collective’. Hot, right?

NEW: Victoria's Secret is finally saying goodbye to the Angels. They'll be replaced with a new group of women icons, including the soccer star Megan Rapinoe, in what the brand is calling the VS Collective. It's the start of a major overhaul: https://t.co/GKGvodt6pr w/@VVFriedman

— Sapna Maheshwari (@sapna) June 16, 2021

Rapinoe, a member of the US women’s national soccer team, made a name for herself in 2016 after she kneeled during the national anthem in solidarity with Colin Kaepernick. Controversy followed the pink-haired phenom again in 2019 when she, along with 27 of her teammates, sued the United States Soccer Federation for alleged gender discrimination.

‘It’s a group of women inspiring change and positivity. It’s another step they’re taking towards transforming the brand. The entire industry thought Victoria Secret was done,’ an industry insider told Page Six. The company’s CEO Martin Waters declared, ‘We needed to stop being about what men want and to be about what women want.’

Yes, because women shop for tiny, uncomfortable and expensive panties only to feel better about themselves and definitely not to seduce prospective male suitors. While dormant ovaries greeted the announcement with awe, some men with normal testosterone levels were not too pleased.

‘This is what the idiots at Victoria’s Secret have stolen from the world,’ tweeted the Daily Caller‘s David Hookstead. ‘These women — heroes in many senses of the word — dedicated their lives to being hot, and they’ve now been replaced by Megan Rapinoe. America is falling apart.’

But, like any good slave for corporate America, Rapinoe has her skeletons. On May 19, 2011, the gilded progressive tweeted from her Blackberry, ‘@tasha_kai00 u look asian with those closed eyes!’ Her masters at Victoria’s Secret may not be so happy now that this tweet has been brought back into the light of day, but Cockburn wishes her well. God forbid we hold Rapinoe to the same standards that she and her ilk mercilessly apply to everyone else. Cue the apology tweet and crocodile tears.

In the era of woke, the degree to which a company is willing to virtue-signal determines its profitability. The consumer, in this case, is told to hate a skinny blonde with a prominent derrière and instead worship a multiracial 300-pound transgender model. But Cockburn is looking forward to the collection’s new advertising campaign. Historically, perverts have found it hard to keep their eyes off of Victoria’s Secret posters — now they will have to actively avoid getting a peek altogether.