Category: Media

  • In praise of Tony McNamara

    In praise of Tony McNamara

    American audiences did not exactly flock to the Benedict Cumberbatch-Olivia Colman comedy The Roses last weekend, but those who did may have been pleasantly surprised, as well as appalled. Although the publicity and trailers took care to stress that it was the new film from the director of Meet The Parents – and certainly some of the more elaborate set-piece slapstick scenes bear the hallmark of the filmmaker Jay Roach – the true auteur of the picture should be regarded as the screenwriter Tony McNamara, who was previously responsible for the Yorgos Lanthimos collaborations Poor Things and The Favourite, both of which saw his screenplays Oscar-nominated.

    The 58-year-old McNamara is an unlikely late bloomer in Hollywood circles. Although he was reasonably well known in his native Australia, where he wrote and created numerous television series, it was not until he was brought in to rewrite 2018’s The Favourite that he moved into the industry A-list. That screenplay was co-credited to McNamara and the British screenwriter Deborah Davis, but since then he has moved from success to success, honing an inimitable, profanity-heavy form of dialogue that is equal parts Paddy Chayefsky, Aaron Sorkin and Joe Orton. There is no screenwriter today who uses the word “cunt” more eloquently or more amusingly, and indeed its well-deployed use in The Roses by its British stars leads to much of the film’s hilarity, and shock value.

    McNamara currently occupies an interesting place in Hollywood. His work on the surprisingly good Emma Stone/Disney picture Cruella showed that he could come up with biting one-liners that didn’t rely on obscenity for comic effect, but his Lanthimos screenplays and The Roses specialize in the kind of barbed, horribly quotable dialogue that leads audiences to howl with laughter even as they have to double-check with one another that, yes, they did just hear that particular misanthropic utterance flying past, with the speed and deadliness of an arrow.

    His films are exceptionally fine works indeed – even The Roses and Cruella clearly show that he is the maestro at creating dialogue that actors love to spit out at one another – but, for my money, his greatest achievement to date was the truly remarkable Hulu series The Great, which somehow ran to three seasons and featured the likes of Nicholas Hoult, Elle Fanning and Gillian Anderson giving some of the greatest performances of their careers. The series was filmed in Britain (the country, you feel, that is closest to McNamara’s heart, given that all his recent projects have been shot there) and deals with an absurdist view of the lives of Catherine the Great and Peter the Great in eighteenth-century Russia. It was hilarious and horrifying in equal parts, never shying away from bleakness or nastiness, and the sheer quality of the writing was recognized by the Writers Guild of America, who bestowed two consecutive awards on McNamara.

    There are potentially more tedious things in the future – a Star Wars picture, apparently, to be co-written with Taiki Waititi and a comic book film – but these are bill-paying jobs that, hopefully, the writer can work his unique alchemy on, a la Cruella. He began his career directing his own material and hopefully an enlightened (and brave) studio will allow him similar control over something of his own creation in the future: McNamara unchained is a fascinating, giddying prospect indeed. Still, even when he’s working in mainstream cinema, he’s head and shoulders above the competition – The Roses has a Great Expectations joke all the better for not being spelt out – and this latest, hilarious instalment in a very distinguished career is a cherishable joy. The characters might be going through their own hell, but the screenwriter has created a very specific, very sweary comedic heaven. We are fortunate to be in his orbit.

  • True winners steal from children

    True winners steal from children

    “Sack of garbage,” “common thief,” “shameful jerk” – but a few of the choice words tennis fans had for the man who swiped an autographed hat from a child at the US Open over the weekend.

    Sure, the alleged thief is no saint. But now that he’s reportedly been identified as a self-made millionaire, I’d rather just call him a shark.

    The video of the courtside incident quickly went viral, showing a grown man snatch the hat away as Polish tennis star Kamil Majchrzak passed it up to a boy who pleaded in vain. The internet did as it wont, and identified the alleged thief as pavement plutocrat and fellow Pole, Piotr Szczerek.

    What is this world coming to? A man can’t even steal from a child anymore without having his whole life dissected by an internet mob. But the more you dig into the details, it’s clear that Szczerek is actually kind of impressive.

    Pavement is a big industry in Poland, apparently. I guess it makes sense – what else is there to do in the bleak decay of Eastern Europe besides endlessly mix concrete? With the keen instincts of a soon-to-be tycoon, Szczerek and his wife launched their paving company in the 90s and built an empire from the ground up. As CEO, he’s now deemed a “leader in the industry” by Polish media, and even funds youth tennis leagues.

    Snatching trophies of conquest simply comes natural to a guy like this. It’s a courtside feeding frenzy, after all: athletes walk over amped up from battle, and fans clamor desperately for a hand shake, an autograph, a sweaty head band. In the heat of the moment, it’s survival of the fittest. And you can’t expect a shark to have a moral code.

    A Great White doesn’t hang back to give lesser predators their fair chance; he swoops in for the kill. This cut throat ruthlessness is the hallmark of winners, conquerors and millionaire CEOs the world over, and the drive that let Szczerek succeed in business is the same one that kicked in courtside. Even in Gucci tennis shorts, killer instincts are not so easily suppressed.

    But an alpha is nothing without his mate. Szczerek passed the hat to his wife, who dutifully shoved it into her designer handbag, as he went back for a second bite at an autographed water bottle. There’s a lesson for the ladies here, too: stand by your man.

    Of course a guy like this isn’t going to just roll over under a little scrutiny. If you can find a way to capitalize off the fall of communism, you can survive a few internet trolls.

    “Yes, I took it. Yes, I did it quickly. But as I’ve always said, life is first come, first served,” Szczerek apparently said in defiance in a now deleted post.

    “It’s just a hat. If you were faster, you’d have it,” the post added, while audaciously dangling the threat of legal action against the haters in his dm’s.

    How many nebbish western CEOs have we seen cave to the mob in recent years? Szczerek’s bold aggression is wasted in far-off Poland. Maybe if he was heading the NFL, we’d all be spared the indignity of twink cheerleaders shaking their asses on the sidelines.

    You can’t blame a shark for going after its prey. Still, it doesn’t hurt to show a little noblesse oblige, as Szczerek eventually (kind of) did with an overdue apology.

    We love to talk about the “based” Poles, one of the last bastions of sanity amidst an EU lost to gay race communism. But we forget that Poland’s not exactly first world. Millions of Polish złoty only go so far without some good English manners.

    A grown man clamoring like a groupie is more than a little undignified. You’re that desperate for another man’s autograph – and maybe some drops of his sweat too – that you’ll romp a kid for it? Besides, Majchrzak isn’t even that good. His career-high ATP ranking is only No. 75, which is hardly worth all the fan-girling.

    The Szczereks have boasted of personally hosting higher ranked players at their estate. Surely it’s better to invite Majchrzak over and let an excited kid have a brief moment with his hero.

    At the end of the day though, it’s just not that big of a deal; people need bigger things to be mad at. There’s even a happy ending, as the kid landed a meet-and-greet with Majchrzak thanks to the viral video.

    So he got his participation trophy in the end. But maybe that’s not such a good thing? Coddled children don’t exactly have the makings of a future CEO.

  • Wishing Trump dead only makes him stronger

    Wishing Trump dead only makes him stronger

    Maybe you heard that Donald Trump died over the weekend. First, the internet began to buzz over some bruising on the President’s hand during an executive-order signing ceremony. Then people started noticing that no one saw Trump on Friday, and that he didn’t have any events scheduled over the weekend. J.D. Vance gave an interview with USA Today in which he said, “if, God forbid, there’s a terrible tragedy, I can’t think of better on-the-job training than what I’ve gotten over the last 200 days.”

    Trump has become so ubiquitous in our lives that there was only one conclusion to reach from his temporary semi-absence: He is dead. A TikTok video making that claim got 600,000 likes. There were tens of thousands of Twitter posts on the topic, almost trying to will it into reality.

    That all quickly poofed away on Saturday when the Daily Caller’s Reagan Reese revealed that Trump had spent at least part of Friday doing an extensive interview with her. Then people spotted him golfing and playing with his grandkids, perfectly normal things for a 79-year-old to do on a holiday weekend. But still, people clung to the possibility. Just like the long-ago “Paul Is Dead” rumors, they still believed in yesterday.

    The celebrity death rumor is a common phenomenon in an unreliable online world. Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne and George Clooney have all been very dead in our time. Betty White fake-died so many times that when she actually passed away we were all ready for it. But the Un-Death of Trump is different because of the absolute glee with which certain segments world received it.

    I don’t know if you were aware, but a lot of people really don’t like Donald Trump. People online greeted the news of his “death” with joyful innuendo. Twitter fashion maven “Derek Guy” posted on Saturday, “so many babies are going to be born exactly 9 months from today.” Yes, Derek, because nothing makes couples want to hop into bed and make babies more than news that the President is dead.

    It all felt gross and pathetic, and it just shows how powerless and backed into a corner Trump’s opponents truly are. Trump has consumed the brains of millions; he has driven them mad. They couldn’t lock him up, they couldn’t vote him out, they don’t seem to be able to stop any of his policies or his relentless cultural onslaught. All they have are nanny-nanny-boo-boo Twitter accounts and show-dancing on a pretend grave.

    If history is any guide, you don’t want to live through the death of a sitting President. We’ve built the system to accommodate for it, but it creates chaos, instability, and figurative if not literal violence. Do people really think that Trump won’t leave office after his term is over? He’ll be 82. He’s going to leave. Just like the weather in Chicago, if you don’t like the President, wait a minute.

    But people also need to realize that their hatred of Donald Trump doesn’t kill him. It makes him stronger. A more spiteful man has never lived, and he’ll live forever just to spite them.

    When he does die, someday, in the far future, some people will mourn, some people will celebrate, but most people’s lives will just go on as if Trump never existed. He’s not your enemy, he’s not your savior. He’s just a President looking for an electorate to love him.

    Yet still the rumors persisted. One fervently shitlib anti-Trump account said, “Sure seems like someone is staying awful close to Walter Reed, doesn’t it?” Another posted this: “He’s not dead, but I think he had another stroke/TIA/CVT. I think this one affected his speech, which is why they haven’t let him near a microphone or press pool in almost a week. No close up pics, either. Some things can’t be covered with orange makeup.”

    Naturally, the Troll-In-Chief emerged from a short weekend off on Sunday night, posting on Truth Social, “NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE.” I hate to break the news, but Trump, like Frankenstein’s monster, is alive. But with his post, the dreams of thousands of extremely sad, terminally online liberals perished forever.

  • What is Prince Andrew hiding?

    What is Prince Andrew hiding?

    This month marks exactly forty years since I became a literary agent. In that time I have been involved with many bestsellers but the publication last week of Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York about Prince Andrew has been my most successful book. What makes it especially different is that I am not just its agent but also its author.

    It has been a strange but exciting experience watching a project which has gestated for four years to finally see the light of day. The reaction has been overwhelming with the Daily Mail, which serialized the book over five days, calling it “The most devastating royal biography ever written” and interviews with media organizations all over the world.

    The media has now moved from reporting the disclosures in the book to discussions on connected but wider issues raised such as the need for greater royal transparency – a subject I have campaigned on for many years – and to the future of the monarchy itself. The Australian Daily Telegraph has even written “Lownie’s book is the touchpaper for more revelations to come, and if the palace is implicated, even by oversight, it could be far more damaging than even the abdication of King Edward VIII 90 years ago next year.” Let us see.

    As an historian, I am used to working with documents. This book, my first biography of a living person, is a departure as it relies almost entirely on interviews. Royal books are notoriously difficult to research. There is an omertà of silence around the British royal family with friendship circles that go back generations, tight non-disclosure agreements and a strong sense of loyalty and deference. Writing about the intelligence services was easier.

    For the book, I approached some 3,000 former school friends, work colleagues, staff and business associates, of whom roughly a tenth agreed to be interviewed. What surprised me was how many agreed to go on the record – often the most senior officials – and can only surmise that they felt the story needed to be told.

    My aim in writing the book has been to ask questions of the late Queen’s second son and to investigate evidence of financial corruption at the heart of the royal family.

    This is not a message monarchists – and I count myself one of them – want to hear so there has been a lot of criticism of me as messenger. Another criticism has been the fact that I have included details of the couple’s private life. This is always a dilemma for a biographer where the inner life of the subjects must be addressed.

    Much has been removed on advice mostly on grounds of privacy and taste. We debated at length questions such as whether Prince Andrew had a reputation to lose and where the boundaries lay with such a public figure. My feeling is his early sexual experiences shaped his later sexual behavior and that reporting credible evidence that he went through 40 women on a four-day official visit to Thailand paid for by the taxpayer was legitimate.

    It is perhaps episodes such as these which may explain why none of the files relating to his time as special representative for trade and investment between 2001 and 2011 have been released in spite of numerous Freedom of Information requests from me over the last four years.

    The Information Rights Departments of the Foreign Office and the Department of Business and Trade have skillfully deployed every possible exemption from health and safety and national security to commercial confidentiality and personal data, to ensure the files – some of which by law should have been deposited in the National Archives after 20 years – remain closed.

    Frame the request too widely and it will be rejected on the grounds it will be too expensive to search. Narrow the request and one is told the department holds nothing. If one does manage to secure the odd piece of paper it will be almost entirely redacted in black.

    Why are these files so important? They would reveal who Prince Andrew took on his trips, who they saw and what business might have been done. I already know from talking to diplomats that he brought along his daughters, with all the attendant security costs, giving them a Filofax of contacts to expand their networks.

    Others on the trips included Jeffrey Epstein as well as Andrew’s business partners David and Jonathan Rowland who were able to shoehorn into the schedule meetings pertinent to them rather than for the promotion of British trade.

    What it might also confirm is the long list of demands that were sent ahead ranging from an insistence that drinking water be served at room temperature to Weetabix being provided at breakfast. One girlfriend was impressed to see among his luggage what appeared to be a surfboard. He sheepishly had to admit it was an ironing board to ensure, even though he stayed at five-star hotels, that his trousers were always neatly pressed.

    In many ways, Entitled is a tragi-comedy – the story of how a popular royal couple fell from grace. I am interested to see how it may play out.

  • Has college football sold its soul?

    Has college football sold its soul?

    While you are typing away and grinding at your 9-5, a 23-year-old college athlete you may have never heard of has pocketed multiple seven figures to play a sport he loves. Oh, and this is just the salary, it doesn’t take into account the outside endorsements that these supposedly amateur athletes of various sports and both genders lock down.

    Quarterback Carson Beck, 23, for example, is thought to have snagged a cool $3-4 million to move from Georgia to the University of Miami – snubbing the NFL in the process.

    While Duke’s quarterback Darian Mensah, who is just 20-years-old, reportedly makes $4 million.

    Don’t even ask what Arch Manning, 21, Texas starting quarterback and nephew to Super Bowl winning brothers, Peyton and Eli Manning makes. Hint: It’s much higher and starts with a six.

    But is college football technically an amateur sport in America anymore? Hardly. With stadiums like The University of Tennessee’s Leyland Stadium holding up to 101,915 fans, the turnout and die-hard dedication eclipses the fan bases of several small market NFL teams. This new wild West of monetary landscapes is a far cry from what it used to be.

    So, how did we get here? The Intercollegiate Athletic Association was founded on March 31, 1906. Four years later, the name officially changed into what we know it as today: the National Collegiate Athletic Association. For well over a century, this governing body acted like an overbearing overlord. They made one thing clear: We, the colleges, and television entities make the money; not the students.

    In fact, the punishment for violating “impermissible benefits,” like Reggie Bush did at USC for accepting a car and money from donors, was instant removal of his Heisman Trophy in 2005. The NCAA has since reinstated it.

    The punishment and inequity to student athletes was frequently unfair and severe. It was always suspected players received under the table money to pick revered colleges in their sport over others. However, the tables didn’t turn until 2021 when NIL, or name, image and likeness allowed players to finally cash in on themselves. Which, by all accounts, every individual should be able to do.

    As a respected sports television host and podcaster told me, “the NCAA knew this was coming, they just delayed it as long as they could. This problem is the result.”

    Problems, did in fact, quickly arise. First, theoretically amateur levels should not eclipse professional leagues. The controversial Browns fifth round pick Shadeur Sanders was actually counseled by some to skip the NFL draft so he could make more NIL money by sticking it out another year at Colorado. Seriously. That is how rich these 18-22 year olds are becoming.

    The NIL is also quickly demolishing March Madness. The men’s beloved basketball tournament now hardly sees a bracket-busting school like George Mason or VCU make it to the Sweet 16 or Final Four. When money is spent to transfer heavyweight players in, rosters that spent four years playing together and building camaraderie fall by the wayside.

    And, with such an unfettered landscape of pay to play, it is hard to believe schools without excessive donor funding get a fair shot in competition.

    Sure, these student athletes are technically adults, but they are promised NIL deals from universities as minors. When you’re buying designer items and wedding rings and costly goods with a college salary, do you love the game or do you merely love what the game buys you? Should former Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel not see a dime from Texas A&M selling out 2,500 replicas of his former jersey in his accolade year? No. But look where all the flashy dollar signs and publicity inevitably put his career. It ended before it ever really began in the pros. That is not a path worth repeating for other aspiring star student athletes.

    Beyond that, these deals also create an uneven distribution of wealth to more commonly watched sports which threatens women’s programs. If 80 percent of the money, for instance, is going to men’s football and basketball, what happens to a school’s volleyball, golf, or tennis programs in the long run?

    In response, President Trump recently signed an executive order called, Saving College Sports. It mandates athletic departments which brought in more than $125 million during the last academic year increase the number of scholarships given to athletes in non-revenue sports. Whereas, athletic departments in the less lucrative numbers of at least $50 million keep the number of scholarships offered in those sports.

    “The future of college sports is under unprecedented threat,” the order says. “A national solution is urgently needed to prevent this situation from deteriorating beyond repair and to protect non-revenue sports, including many women’s sports, that comprise the backbone of intercollegiate athletics, drive American superiority at the Olympics and other international competitions, and catalyze hundreds of thousands of student-athletes to fuel American success in myriad ways.”

    Jerry Maguire himself might as well yell like he did in the movie, “show me the money.” Because, gone are the days of kids just being happy to collect a division 1 scholarship. Now, collegiate athletes primarily want enough money to set them up for life. But we have to devise better rules and regulations. Otherwise greed overtakes the purpose of balancing school and sport.

    President Trump took a step in the right direction to even the playing field, no pun intended. Now universities, brands and donors across America are on the clock.

  • The US Open OnlyFans star

    The US Open OnlyFans star

    Sachia Vickery, a 559th-ranked player, lost her qualifying match yesterday, but likely gained new followers from her activity off the court: OnlyFans. That’s right, Vickery charges $12.99 a month for any fan or sexually-charged viewer to subscribe to exclusive content. During an Instagram Q&A this week, she said, “I’m very open-minded and I don’t care what people think of me. It’s also the easiest money I’ve ever made and enjoy doing it.”

    Clutch your pearls and breathe. Your first thought might be: Does she need money? Why else would an athlete of her stature resort to OnlyFans.

    Vickery is hardly broke. She made a reported $2 million in 14 years of professional tennis and even cracked the top 100 in 2018. The former 73rd ranked ATP player, however, possibly saw the biggest surge in earnings when she launched her OnlyFans account in January. When you fall out of the top 100 in professional tennis, the challenger circuit proves rigorous and low-earning (that’s putting it mildly).

    “I will never talk shit about girls on OnlyFans ever again for the rest of my life,” the American elaborated in her Instagram Q&A. “Because the amount I made on there in my first two days, I am overwhelmed. I am just shook really.”

    No doubt others are doing the smack talking for her. Not for what she is doing but how she’s doing it. It is wildly controversial to tout another stream of business during one of the major grand slams – given it is one with such a negative connotations.

    The US Open is considered a pinnacle gemstone of the sport. Sure, you might play mere blocks away from grimy subway stops and run-down bodegas in Queens, New York, but on Arthur Ashe grounds there is an expected decorum. You should not simultaneously shill a website for adult-content when legions of little girls and boys are watching you play on the highest stage.

    The US Open comes after Wimbledon – by far the most polished of grand slams – in the sporting calendar. The decorous All England Club orders players to uniformly wear all-white attire with small allowances for dark undershorts for female players. Always one to clash with the rules, Nick Kyrgios defied this policy in 2022 when he wore red Nike Air Jordan 1 shoes and a red hat in his fourth round match. While he was forced to change into all-white shoes for the match, he slipped those same blazing red sneakers back on in his post-match press conference.

    Kyrgios was reportedly fined $16,000 for his ensemble choice. US Open officials or her coach should have taken notes from Wimbledon and intervened with Vickery as well.

    Ironically, like Vickery, the brash Australian player and occasional television presenter (who is exceptional on broadcasts) also partnered with OnlyFans in 2023. Kyrgios does not share any explicit content, just days-in-the-life and behind the scene tennis looks and conversations. Thus, Vickery is not alone in her outside-of-the-box endeavor.

    If Kyrgios, once the 16th best tennis player in the world, can launch a platform for business outside of the traditional athlete endorsement model, a woman can too. Both have every right to monetize parts of their life and celebrity within reason. As long as there is no nudity or sexual activity, personally, the OnlyFans model does not upset this writer. In fact, as a capitalist, anyone should make a buck off their likeness and image rather than magazines using and manipulating it for their gain because OnlyFans is lucrative. It can be an easy Wolf of Wall Street like cash flow there, especially for women.

    But OnlyFans is intrinsically tied to a stereotype of sex work – because, yes, there is an abundance of it on the platform. Vickery is someone who could otherwise leave tennis and join the professional workforce in various lucrative roles with her 40,000 Instagram followers and athletic accomplishments. Instead, she used the most eye-catching time of the sport to distract from her career and snag more OnlyFans subscribers. Should she be banned? No. Is she unprofessional? Yes.

    Vickery may read this article in a mansion paid for by OnlyFans. That’s her right and prerogative. But proceed with caution. Those dollars you side-hustle for may also wrack up a different kind of debt. One that’s harder to pay off because of the incalculable cost to your integrity.


  • What the skibidi?

    What the skibidi?

    People whose minds stopped evolving 20 years ago are having a snit because the Cambridge Dictionary, the world’s largest online lexicography, has added a few Gen-Z and Gen-Alpha slang terms to its more than 6,000 entries. The most controversial include “skibidi,” “delulu” and “tradwife.” You could argue that the latter is more of a millennial linguistic formulation for the extremely online, but the other two are definitely youth newspeak.

    Tradwife, as a term and a viral activity, is going to stick around for a while. “Skibidi,” derived from the YouTube Skibidi Toilet meme, is a word with as many meanings as “aloha” and “shalom,” and has the potential for a generation-spanning shelf life. “Delulu,” short for “delusional,” is a ridiculous babyism and is already about as cool and relevant as saying “cray cray.”

    In other words, the world changes, time and language marches on. I would advise against heading in the mental direction of writer and artist Lee Escobedo, who wrote in the Guardian: “Skibidi brainrot encapsulates a generation fluent in irony but starved for meaning. This kind of hyper-chaotic media serves as both entertainment and an ambient worldview for young men raised online. Their minds normalize prank-as-expression.”

    Kids today and their skibidi brainrot, amirite? This kind of stuffed-shirt intellectual condemning the kids’ vibe periodically emerges in generational cycles. Words come and go. But the real comedy comes when normies try to get hip with the youth.

    Since I’m the last surviving member of Generation X, the current mild strain of language controversy reminds me of the “Lexicon of Grunge” that the New York Times published in 1992. Times freelancer Rick Marin (author of Cad: The Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor), seeking to report on how the cool kids were talking, called up the offices of Seattle indie-rock label Sub Pop. He got receptionist Megan Jasper, one of the greatest Gen-X heroes, on the line.

    Jasper, who later ended up being Sub Pop’s CEO, proceeded to pepper Marin with a glossary of nonsense words. Despite some Times fact-checking, the terms got through the filter, leading Marin to write, “all subcultures speak in code.”

    And that’s how we learned that “grunge” people used “swingin’ on the flippity-flop” to refer to hanging out. A loser was a “cob nobbler,” though not as bad as a “lamestain.” Some of the terms, like “harsh realm” and “score,” actually entered mainstream vocabulary. Unfortunately, “bloated big bag of bloatation,” for drunk, didn’t. In a 2020 interview, Jasper, in typical Gen-X fashion, regretted the whole episode, but in particular regretted that Marin didn’t use the term “tuna platter,” which she’d offered him as grunge slang for “hot date.” Either it was too risqué or so ridiculous that it rang even the Times’ broken BS detector.

    The Gen-X irony here is that if she’d grown up in the age of TikTok, Jasper’s Grunge Lexicon might have gone mega-viral, becoming the actual lexicon, and fast. The world might have found itself calling old-ripped jeans “wack slacks.” There would be a “Bound and Hagged” entry in the Cambridge Dictionary, telling people that it meant “staying home alone on a weekend night.” But since it was Gen X, the words just fell into a pit, and will never see the light of dictionary justice.

    So here’s to aimless young men and their prank-as-expression. Hooray for brainrot. Our brains are going to rot anyway, so we might as well play Word Jabberwocky while we can. One of the joys, for me, of being alive for nearly six decades is watching the world change, sometimes gradually, sometimes quickly. You can wake up and find yourself immersed in a whole new culture, a completely different language, and you don’t ever have to leave the house. Any skibidi cob-nobbling tradwife who doesn’t enjoy that feeling is being completely delulu.

  • The White House UFC cage fight

    The White House UFC cage fight

    When President Trump said in July that he planned to host a Ultimate Fighting Championship event on the White House lawn next year as part of the U.S.A.’s 250th birthday celebrations, people dismissed it as a typical piece of hyperbole and bluster. “We have a lot of land there,” Trump said, which is somewhat true, but that doesn’t mean that you can plop down an Octagon, right?

    Well, as it turns out, that’s exactly what it means. Trump is like that boy in the old Twilight Zone episode. Whatever he wishes, comes true. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, UFC boss Dana White, one of Trump’s biggest supporters, said that the UFC 250th anniversary (of the U.S.) is definitely going to happen. “Fighters will be warming up in the White House,” White said. “It’s incredible.”

    It certainly is, especially when you consider the cultural proclivities of Trump’s two immediate predecessors. On his last day in office, Barack Obama, the ultimate NPR President, had lunch with novelists Dave Eggers, Zadie Smith and Colson Whitehead. Joe Biden spent much of his term hiding, masked and socially distanced. Trump is building a grand ballroom and plans to hold a blood-soaked cage match for the biggest American birthday party in two generations.

    The hype possibilities would make the late Don King drool. As it turns out, the current UFC men’s heavyweight champion is a British fighter named Tom Aspinall. Assuming he’s still up top when next summer rolls around, you’d be crazy to not pit him against a scrappy American challenger who has a chance to pull an upset. It would be like recreating the American revolution – in a cage. Maybe mixed martial artist Curtis Blaydes would be a good choice. He’s currently fourth in the world, and is definitely a bad dude. The number two fighter in the world is Cyril Gane, from France. In the spirit of the American Revolution, he could provide financial support, or tag in when Blaydes gets tired.

    On the women’s side, there’s no better choice than Bantamweight division champion Kayla Harrison, who’s so American that she’s from a place called Middletown. She’s an absolute beast. Everyone would love to see her take down her number-one challenger, Julianna Peña, “The Venezuelan Vixen.”

    But there are other possibilities for the undercard. Why not stick Jake Paul in the ring? He gets ratings. Maybe have him fight Mr. Beast, who’d better start training now. Conor McGregor must appear. Maybe he can fight Jake Gyllenhaal, an enactment of their epic duels from the Road House remake. The political realm has us imagining other fights: AOC versus Nancy Mace. J.D. Vance versus Pete Buttigieg. Collin Allred versus John Cornyn. Of course, RFK Jr. needs to fight a bear, and win. And we know that Trump is going to get into the ring and grab the microphone, but who wouldn’t want to see him go a few rounds with Gavin “Tough Guy” Newsom, or even, better, Vladimir Putin? Let’s settle this Ukraine issue once and for all, not with Alaska diplomacy, but with mano-a-mano bare knuckle combat.

    We no longer live in NPR America. NPR is dead. No novelists will be visiting the White House unless Ted Nugent writes a novel. This is Donald Trump’s America, UFC America, let’s get ready to rumble America. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy has come to vivid life. Not Sure will monster-truck duel in the pits with Beef Supreme while President Camacho shoots a flamethrower into the air. UFC. It’s what plants crave. It has electrolytes.

    “I don’t give a shit if there’s only one seat at this thing,” Dana White told the WSJ. “This is so monumental and historical and just such a cool thing. All I care about is the Octagon on the lawn and the fight happening with the backdrop being the White House and the Washington Monument.”

    It’s so stupid and crazy, it just might work. The ratings will the huge, the biggest ratings ever. Happy birthday, America. It’s time.